In the morning after a terrible storm, a father and son drive into town with their tight ass neighbor to pick up some supplies at the local grocery store, idly noticing some strange mist coming in over the lake. Once at the store the three boys along with an assortment of townfolk are confined to the supermarket as the mist rolls over the town, concealing within it, some unknown horror that seems to be abducting people and making them scream, within the supermarket, with the phone lines down is the only refuge to be found.
Based on the short story by Stephen King, The mist offers much more than it would seem, Indeed, it has been a while since weve had a good Stephen King based movie ( Dream Catcher was a fucking disaster) but few could forget the horror staples that he has left on cinema, Pet Cemetery, The Shining, Needful Things.
The Mist is a classic delivery of a horror movie, the computer animation involved wasnt so jarring that it detracted from the film, the character development was as layered as any reader of Stephen King book would come to expect it, and in the end, it was really brutal.
I may have even been a little surprised, no happy endings here, just horror.
Then again, I am a sucker for King.
The legend of the white ninja is fulfilled when a chubby white baby appears on the coast of (Japan?) in a treasure chest. Raised to be a lethal killer Chris Farley takes on his lifes greates mission by traveling to the Hills of Beverly and uncovering a beautiful widows counterfeit money scheme with a little help from his buddies Chris Rock and the guy who played Lu Kang in Mortal Kombat.
Beverly Hills ninja is one of those movies you might sometimes wish had never been made, but in all actuality, it seems like Chris Farley took this role very seriously, that in itself is the best joke of the movie. He enunciates his words so well, and his character is, if not bumbling and clumsy as Farleys forte, is cunning, noble, and honest. Somehow, despite the myriad of reasons for this film to fail, Chris Farley creates a ‘real’ character on the screen, he managed to turn a fat white clueless ninja into a real person, A cult classic.
Orphaned boys are adopted by a nameless agency to be trained from birth to be the worlds most highly rated assassins. Fallow the cold blooded agent known only as the number 47 as he finds himself in a mixed up Russian president assassination, body double blackmail from his OWN nameless assassin corporation! Can 47 get to the bottom of this by killing everyone he see’s? and befriending a hot gothy Russian girl?
What we are looking at here is a bastardized version of the Bourne Identity, the major difference being that Hitman is based off a video game, giving it total Hollywood freedom to be as absurd as possible without even letting you suspect that it could have been a better movie.
and yet, for this, Hitman strangely works in its delivery, our main protagonist is so effectively emotionless that in the end you are left with a film that also, feels emotionless. 47 doesnt first draw a gun on his victim and say something to an extreme close up camera shot like.
“ You thought you could escape?.........I dont think so....I’ll never let you get away with ect, ect,”
He simply shoots people, without even a moments hesitation, without even letting them talk!
For the bad movie that Hitman was supposed to be, It rose up just high enough to gain its own recognition, with mild echoes of ‘the Transporter’
After a pointlessly graphic autopsy scene, two doctors locate a small audio tape inside an old mans stomach, The police are led back into Jigsaws crazy, over the top, mechanical device related death scenarios! Only this time, they are searching for Jigsaws accomplice, and even less is explained in how Jigsaw sets these scenarios up, where he seems to be getting a virtually endless supply of mini tape players, how he is aware of these potential victims pasts ect, ect...
Then the utter shock of seeing the tied up cop calmly remove his straps and walk out the door, signifying that HE is the killer! (did the writers for this movie even see the first Saw?)
This movie is shit. It gets no stars, it was painfully bland and devoid of literally ANY semblance of horror that the original movie was able to capture.
fuck this movie.
A cyber terrorist plans to wipe out the entire planets communications, officer McClain just picked up a elite hacker who might be able to guide him to the ‘bad guys’ Time to fuck shit up…
It doesn’t take long for ‘Live free or die hard’ to dissolve into total chaos with sparse dialogue and copious explosions. Essentially, for any Die Hard fan, you know what to expect, and the movie delivers everything you want. Although slightly neutered for its PG-13 rating, it still managed to string you along with few blanks spaces for bland romance to blossom between awkward elite hacker and McClains daughter.
Robotic aliens have come to earth to protect the ‘life cube’ from other, more evil alien robots. Unknowingly an akward high school dork purchases a Transformer that has taken the appearance of a cheap car, can this meaningless dork help giant robots fight other giant robots? and get laid too?
Transformers was hideously bogged down with long pointless build up, characters that had zero relevance, conflicting dialogue that is never fully explained.
Our heros object of affection is a cruel bitch who isnt once likeable on screen. The hacking scenes are a woefully under thought throwback to the early 90’s film Hackers. Do people in Hollywood really think thats how computers work? that programs look like 3D Pink Floyd laser shows with little mathmatical equations floating around in cyberspace?
Transformers was way too long, and clearly intended to play on the retro glory of the 80’s generation who would see the title ‘Transformers’ and say.
“Hey! theses guys in Hollywood DO understand me! they still think Transformers are cool too! how retro!”
For it’s absurd amount of hype, they may as well have made a Muppet Babies movie. Which I would have totally seen.
Eddie Valiant defeats the crazy toon by turning his cannon of "dip" on him and spraying him to oblivion, shortly afterwards all the major toons of toon town come racing inside to view the remains. okay.
but what if something had gone wrong?
Every toon would have gone racing into a room with a crazy toon who has a freaken "dip cannon"
I mean...how did they even know Roger was in there anyways? what where they planning on doing?
ponderous.
The revolving stories of four collage students who struggle to find love, while remaining true to themselves, and the tragic downfall of dormitory life.
I personally loved ‘ROA’ because of it’s cleaver dialogue, something that defines collage life. Even though the story itself almost plays a tragic Shakespearian tune. It manages to hold itself together with it’s believably damaged characters who are more victims of their inner thoughts rather than contributors. ROA cut close to the bone when it comes to the disconnected hopelessness of being a collage student, yet leaves an almost nostalgic, dorm-sick feeling, of the painfully irresponsible, drugged up, sex addled, class at 8:00 am life that is almost always pivotal, in finding one’s self.
Haunting, funny, and yet, real.
Bruce Willis, the only survivor of a hideous train wreck, meets ‘Mr Glass’ Samuel Jackson, who not only is confined to a wheelchair, but has a woefully brittle body, He becomes interested in Willis through his son, and the connection they make through comic books, he see’s Bruce as the antithesis to himself, invulnerable vs fragile. Mr glass plays the role of sadistic super villain testing Willis’s ability as ‘the hero’ and how far he can push him, even involving his son along for the experiment.
Unbreakable seemed to me to be a different kind of spin on and old kind of story, but overall lacked enough guts to feel like a ‘full movie’ I was glad to see it end, yet felt that some essential piece of the meal was missing, I left the theatre feeling mildly cheated from my money, and intrigued by nothing in particular from such big name actors.
A scientist working from his attic, cant seem to get the final calibrations on his new ‘shrink ray’ his two children, as well as his neighbors two kids, manage by accident to wander into the attic and shrink themselves! swept into the trash and dropped into the back yard, the four pre teens must traverse the massive jungle that has become their back yard, avoiding scorpions! sprinklers! lawnmowers! and even when and if they make it back, can they be un-shrunk?
‘Honey I shrunk the Kids’ is an amazing movie, for a few simple reasons. the first being set design along with concept, somebody actually had to build those giant blades of grass, a giant ant puppet, a massive leggo block for them to sleep in, there where no computer graphics to fill in the blanks at this point in the 80’s which fed the realism of the movie like a beast, for a movie aimed at kids it would be stunning, even today. Secondly there is the mind blowing amount of action, which, is only made the more intense because of the characters easy to remember names, and how often they are screamed out madly. half the dialogue is just..
“ AMY!”
“ NIIICK!”
“ AAAAMMMIIIEEE”
“ NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!”
Not to mention the unbelievably traumatizing effect that the action would have had on such kids, being carried away by a giant bee, getting sucked against your will towards a massive spinning lawnmower blade, your own father almost eating you with his breakfast...even though the movie is directed towards kids the terror is simply mind blowing, yet manages to keep it’s goofy demeanor throughout.
Planet Terror: A sci-fi zombie splatter fest fallowing a band of Texas civilians immune to the toxic zombifing gas that will soon spread over the planet, zombies also made unique because of brutally deformed boils that cover their body.
Death Proof: An old stunt car driver hunts down unruly girls in his ‘death proof’ stunt car hot rod, car chases ensue quite nicely.
I know what your saying, only four stars? well, I think any movie critic would have a little trouble even trying to comprehend a movie like ‘Grindhouse’ which completely defies movie logic around every bend, these are, essentially, terrible movies put in the hand of excellent writers and directors. Often the dialogue is far overblown, exaggerated, totally off beat and the characters play out like some throw backs form old western films with a never ending spree of cheesy one liners, and undeniably pointless bloodshed.
* innocent dog runs in front of speeding truck, explodes on impact and sprays busty half dressed girls with blood.* although such is the intent of the genre in the first place, Tarantino somehow takes the American low point of movidom, and pushes it even further into a hopelessly insane category that may not even have existed before. ‘Death Proof’ may have dragged on a little too long in certain places for reasons I dont understand, and ‘Planet Terror’ was so incredibly grating and uncomfortable that only a sadistic fuck like me could probably find any amusement in it. * Romantic shot of Rose McGowan’s peg leg slowly rising into the air during sex scene.*
One is instantly reminded of ‘Troma films’ ‘Class of Nukem High’ ‘The Toxic Avenger’ and so on, films that rest comfortably on ultra gore and long winded sex scenes, Grindhouse plays such accurate tribute to the genre that it’s not just a candy movie, it’s so MUCH candy that you will inevitably walk away feeling sick, yet strangely satisfied.
* The preview for the film ‘Thanksgiving’ just about had me pissing myself laughing, deep, emotionless announcer’s voice “...Come home for the holidays...in a body bag...Thanksgiving.”
Set in the Mid 80’s, Donnie Darko is about a boy haunted by cryptic visions from alternate dimensions, A large sinister looking Rabbit named Frank fallows Donnie and guides him through the seemingly random incidents that keep spiraling closer to something Frank refers to as ‘the end of the world’
Can Donnie make sense of this ever widening riddle before it’s too late? and what exactly happens when it’s ‘too late’?
Donnie Darko was released rather quietly but has gained a fair amount of coffee house hype, and has since been sliced and dissected by picky movie goers over its heady plot. The film constantly draws ambiguous coincidental lines between every scene to string the viewer along on the mystery, effectively connecting us to Donnie, who is equally as confused, (not unlike Memento.) Donnie Darko works for me because as a film it is not afraid of it’s own scope, it dares to take on big Hollywood concepts in it’s own ‘small fry’ way, and succeeds for whatever reason with minimal special effects and big name actors. Donnie is a complex character that we relate to, and pity for his struggle to figure out something that is even from the beginning, quite obviously bigger than him and his rather dry life, and for this reason Donnie is like a hero of a character, almost Christ like in his self sacrificial rescue of our reality.
A large family leaves their house to celebrate Christmas in Europe! (god knows why.) Unwittingly leaving behind the often trampled on runt of the family, the bothersome middle child boy who is constantly deprived of positive attention! Now, young Kevin finds himself Home Alone! for a whole week while his family doesnt even begin to piece together what’s happened until they are on the plane! Two thieving crooks make profit off robbing the homes of family’s who travel during the holidays, (Whoever can afford to fly twelve kids to Europe must be pretty well off.) stumble upon young Kevin who meanwhile is relishing in the freedom of having the house to himself. Crooks and kid collide, young Kevin protects his house via elaborate booby traps that would most likely cause fatal injury, yet for the lighthearted Christmas film manages only to enrage and brutalize the two robbers until Kevin gets help from an unlikely old man, the family finally comes home and is astonished to see that the little boy seemed more than capable of running the household by himself!
Home Alone was a big hit, and essentially the launch pad for what has been a considerably luke warm career for Culkin who’s performance was not, lets say, ground breaking, but kept the film moving with his charm. Kevin is the ultimate hero for weakened kids of America who feel powerless, annoying, and useless, Kevin is calm, sarcastic, skeptical, misunderstood, he rearranges these stereotypes even if it be in the films own far fetched, campy way. Home Alone is a film about wanting freedom, but then being forced to protect it, alongside Kevin’s struggle to better understand Christmas. Just under the corn infested surface of this would be, mindless delve into young parents pockets, we have a Christmas movie that stands well on its legs.
Short inconclusive cameo by Jon Candy, nicely rounds the films out.
A large meteor is heading for the planet, and it seems as though there is only one way to banish the evil rock for good. We must fly into outer space, land on the meteor, drill a hole into the middle, drop a nuke down there, and high tail it home. cheers!
But even an expertly trained astronaut would have some trouble landing on a meteor, but ask yourself...what is more difficult, piloting an experimental space ship onto the surface of a giant meteor thats comming directly at us? or operating a big drill? duh, it’s the drill. No astronaut is trained to use something like that! it totally defies human logic! a DRILL? are you kidding me!? It would save us alot of trouble just to find some guys who know how to work a drill...and train them to be astronauts.
For the utterly far fetched, hokey-ness of Armageddon, a summer blockbuster was created and burned into our unwilling minds forever, and so begins the ongoing legend of Ben Affleck.
Armageddon looks hopeless from an objective view point, but once you get into the finer details you have a film that stands the test of time. Not unlike the ‘Faces of Death’ series...
Let Frank Zappa take you by the hand into the metaphysical, consciousness altering, dimension breathing world of being on tour with a rock and roll band. The film adaptation of Frank Zappa’s ‘200 Motels’ album the movie comes with a warning that it is essentially unfinished and poorly edited. However such elements may come as a surprise to the casual viewer who would suspect that such things could have been done on purpose to further the visual suggestion that everyone, and everything in this film awash in a myriad of psycho active drugs the likes of which any person with even a vague semblance of sobriety could never comprehend. The finished product is tempting in it’s obscurity, yet difficult to finish for it’s ruthless inconsistency.
Expert police office from London gets moved way out into the countryside because his show boating style is making the rest of the force look lame, depressed and stuck in a small village where police calls are down to a bare minimum, our two action buddies from ‘Saun of the Dead’ uncover a massive hidden agenda that all of the kind old towns people play a part in, time to take out the trash!
Obviously created with the same loose satirical spin as ‘Saun of the Dead’ Hot Fuzz plays the role of the American action movie, and keeps all it’s trademarks so neatly packed that often I felt jokes would go right over my head and directly into a facet of objectified British humor I simply dont have a handle on, because I am so very used to the American style of car bombs and semi-pointless shoot em ups.
Hot Fuzz picks up slowly, and is mostly just plot development and bogged down cop humor, however the last thirty minutes explode with totally un called for gun battles, mysterious explosions, surprisingly juicy gore, and leaves you on a rather happy flat spot that any action movie should be happy to leave you on.
Could Hot Fuzz have been better? probably, but for what it is the movie works, and manages to do itself a little bit of justice.
Take a shocking, and depressing dive into the paranoid, attention starved, sluty world of a degenerate rebellious thirteen year old girl who wants only to fit it! Seeking acceptance from her socially damaged ‘best friend’ our would be protagonist abandons her complacent normality in favor of a high paced, weed smoking, vodka puking, anything goes world told often by familiar, and similar looking girls on Jerry Springer who scream into the camera defiantly “I dont care yo! I do what I want!”
Thirteen is not listed as a horror movie, although I would strongly suggest taking precaution before subjecting yourself to this film, I found it ‘horrifying’ to say the least.
The painfully scary thing about the film ‘Thirteen’ is how real it is. I think we have all known at least one girl like the two featured in the film, the difference between them is only made obvious to the viewer who is objective enough to know that our protagonist was sucked into this deplorable lifestyle for a want of acceptance among her peers, her best friend is not REALLY a friend, or who else would condone getting tongue rings and cat calling at boys much older than you, and acting drunk when youre not...Thirteen is so scary because it’s so real, and there is no happy ending, another painful twist to the realism that may actually be too heavy for the movies content to carry. However, For creating a feeling in it’s viewers not unlike the ‘learn to drive’ videos pieced together from live footage of peoples skulls bursting on the concrete, the over all ‘lesson’ to Thirteen does not require a five minute dialog at the end to get it’s point across, it is so brutally horrible that the lesson is clear as day for young impressionable women everywhere. If you keep trying to impress your friends you’ll wind up gross, and most likely pregnant.
Although I would round it down to something more like.
*THINK* before you get your tongue pierced.
A small group of cool city kids goes traveling waaay out into the middle of nowhere to camp out in a small cabin, but stop at a small gas station first for a classic review of how WEIRD the local hicks are…
And were off to a bad start…
A strange man infected with some flesh eating virus go’s flailing into the dark forest, and directly into a swamp. The teens are too scared to go look for the body, so they continue to enjoy themselves. But wouldn’t you know it, The cabin draws it’s tap water directly from the open swap that’s maybe 50 feet behind them!...talk about unlucky.
Witness pretty blonde girls scream in horror as their perfect flesh begins to rot away! With infected blood everywhere, and weird beast like dogs running about, it looks like every character will die pointlessly and offer no real explanation as to why any of this started. The movie ends cryptically on a scene of little hillbilly girls feeding the towns folk lemonade made with, yes, that’s right, infected pond water.
Cabin Fever failed, there is no simpler way to say it. Its in coherent mix of comedy and horror never once connected anywhere in the middle, and left the movie feeling like a string of unconnected scenes from three different movies. The horror ‘gag’ being the flesh eating virus, was painfully drawn out past it’s prime, and was never strong enough to carry the lopsided movie in the first place. Strange shadows of what one might assume is a ‘deeper plot’ ends abruptly and with no real conclusion, and makes me feel as through all the flesh peeling scenes collectively where the one ace that this movie had in an otherwise feeble, limp gesture to a horror film.
Might I ad….
Who the fuck drinks cabin water?
Secondly, I realize that cabin water is bad…but you dare to have me believe that its drawn from a pond you could see from the window?
And lastly, you realize that you have been infected with a virus that afflicts the flesh, and the first thing you decide to do?...Shave your legs?
No stars; this movie could have been written by seventh graders.
Exactly how DID the ‘club kid’ scene start anyways? fallow the tale of Michael Alig, who in NYC in the late 80’s befriended super posh party goer James St James. Once hired by a night club to promote and organize parties, Michael soon becomes a very lucrative investment for the club owner, who breaches maximum capacity every night with weirdo's in costumes, wacked out on E, and partying all night long.
Eventually the scene begins to waver, Michaels brutal drug addictions seem not to bother the fashonite demi god, he eventually parties himself into an insane world of broken rules, psychological deprivation, cruel madness that leads him by the wrist to jail. Then without further distractions, James St James is free to publish the story and make his own comfy living, as told in the book ‘Disco Bloodbath’
Party Monster is not a film that’s going to ‘work’ for everyone, I enjoyed the sordid details, the painfully elaborate dialog and onslaught of modern macabre that’s represented in this film. Macaulay Culkin truly proves his worth as an actor, while Seth Green plays off of him so well, you hardly recognize that it’s him.
sick and delicious, the movie even boasts a hard to spot, yet hilarious cameo from Marilyn Manson.
What more do you want?
It’s not easy being a white pretty woman who teaches high school in an under privileged part of L.A just after the riots, when gang violence was through the roof. These kids down give a DAMN bout no honkey woman and her damn schoolin, We’s in a WAR bitch! every day these kids are little soldiers, hoping they make it to the next day! But, somehow, the white woman shows these kids one by one, that they can find HOPE.....EVEN in the ghetto! The kids become less gangster, and she single handedly defeats racism with nothing more than her compassion, and manages not to get robbed while doing so.
I’d like to give Freedom Writers two stars, cause I think it’s heart is in the right place. but honestly, how many times have we seen this song and dance? Doesnt anyone remember ‘Dangerous Minds’? or ‘the substitute’? or ‘Higher Learning’? or ‘High school high?’
White teacher goes to black school, defeats racism, kid at the end throws away his gun and picks up a copy of ‘War and Peace, slowly, as though he’s never seen a book before.
Come on every one!?
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